I wan planning to write to you for a long long long time ago, how long is it? It can be counted by years..... And all these years, lots of things happened, lots of things go through inside of me, and all these things were that what I have never got any chance to tell you at all.
You probably don't know that I'm so afraid to come back to my room at my home. Especially during Chinese new year, There are one place two things that I dare not to touch but I will surely do it every year --- I can't hold myself. I've already broke my heart thousand times due to read the letters between us before. Even little pieces of note can make me cry easily, but still I will do that time after time.
Still remember I've told you before? Maybe you will still feel heartache in 2 years and still remember me within 5 years, then just forget there were something happened in old times. But for me, 5years is just a beginning, I feel more and more pain and regret as the increasing of time.
After some times, I start to realized, I should learn to hate you more than you did on me, why? I hate you why didn't you hang a little more time then? Why didn't you take more power-move then? Why didn't you be more selfish then? So that I suffered in pain now because of you and it will last for so long in the rest of my life. I hate you, and I think I really should..
I always think about this, if you hang little more then, we will stay together. And we shell.
How I want to get you back that time, the time I was in Army and feel wondering of life! but you said that you have a man already, Even I had a foolish idea to stop your wedding and get you back.
Still remember? I've told you, I'm so afraid that you will be the most regret of my life( in the letter from me to you)..... And now, it comes true.
It’s been another one month already since I wrote this letter, and 3 months away since I wrote the note as the attached photo(Note of Ivian). Maybe you won’t believe that I never call other girl as “baby” after all these years, and still I kept some foolish promises we’ve made before. But it’s all too late anyway, I know.
So maybe at some other day in your life when you open up the letter I’ve wrote to you once again, maybe at that sudden time, you will feel the real aching of my heart since the first time we met until the last moment we still called each other “Honey” and “Baby”. Maybe at that short, sudden moment you will really come close to me, come close to real me and feel that every word ..... is true.
I can still remember one piece of letter written like this
“........................,
..........................,
......我想這段感情...留予來生吧” still remember? Have you ever image why I wrote this?
2003/3/10 at dorm. In tainan county
Note for Ivian手記中的文字如下
"夢中的你，倩影依舊
思念的情緒，坦言不諱，即使你已嫁為人妻。因為我清楚的知道這一切只是夢境，可以毫無顧忌的抱著你流淚，告訴你始終不變的牽掛。
你細聲的問我，為什麼少了你照顧的我變瘦了，情緒的臨界讓我再也無法維持半夢半醒的唯美。
我伏在床上哭了一會，再也不能入睡。
驅車回二鎮的路上，不想從前，只想夢中的你，還有你的話語。
過了這些年，仍衷心感謝曾經你為我的一切。
你過的好嗎？他對你好嗎？其實我還好。
只是至今你留下的美麗點滴，依然在無數個午夜夢迴輕易令我心碎。
2002.12.10 凌晨3:00"
OS:Original posted 2006/1/8 on old blog
